Dogfight Read online

  Copyright © 2012 by Calvin Trillin

  All rights reserved.

  Published in the United States by Random House, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

  RANDOM HOUSE and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

  The narrative poem that constitutes the bulk of this book appears here for the first time. Most of the poems embedded in it originally appeared in The Nation. The prose pieces originally appeared in The New Yorker, Slate, or The New York Times.

  ISBN 978-0-8129-9368-4

  eISBN: 978-0-8129-9369-1

  Jacket design: Misa Erder

  Jacket illustrations: Barry Blitt

  www.atrandom.com

  v3.1

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  1. 2008

  2. 2010

  3. Mentionables

  4. Trump Trumped

  5. First One Out

  6. A Brief Reign on Top

  7. Oops Indeed

  8. The Search for a Mitt-Whomper

  9. Newt Redux

  10. Carpet Bombing

  11. Stuck Again

  12. Unstuck

  13. Anybody Out There Want to Be President?

  14. Unstuck?

  15. Carpet Bombing Redux

  16. Stuck Again

  17. The Southern Strategy

  18. The Party’s Over

  19. Mitt’s Got the Gold

  20. Bain

  21. The White House Prepares

  22. The Race Shapes Up

  23. A June Surprise

  24. Shaken Up

  25. Money Makes the World Go Around

  26. August Surprise

  27. Reaching the Starting Line

  28. September Surprise

  29. Falling Back

  30. First Debate

  31. Obama Redux

  32. The Stretch

  33. The Stretch of the Stretch

  Dedication

  Other Books by This Author

  About the Author

  Let the Barking and Biting Begin

  Mitt Romney put Seamus on top of the car.

  (“He liked it up there, and we weren’t going far.”)

  Obama, in boyhood, while in Indonesia,

  Once swallowed some dog meat without anesthesia.

  Though dog lovers wouldn’t be either man’s base,

  A dogfight seemed what was in store for their race.

  And people were saying, “We wonder which dude’ll

  Emerge as the pit bull, and which as the poodle.”

  1.

  2008

  The ’08 votes for President were in.

  They showed Barack Obama with the win—

  A solid win, a win that was historic.

  Americans were moved to wax euphoric.

  Yes, even some who’d voted for McCain

  Were proud we’d have a man of color reign

  As President. Historians took note.

  Amidst the cheers, one versifier wrote,

  “And foreigners from Rome to Yokohama

  Were cheering an American: Obama.

  From this vote, they were willing to infer

  We aren’t the people they had thought we were.

  And Lady Liberty, as people call her,

  Was standing in the harbor somewhat taller.”

  The task this man would face, of course, was humbling:

  The whole economy had started crumbling.

  As people lost their jobs and houses too,

  The experts disagreed on what to do.

  Some banks were saved, and some were left to fail.

  As Hamlet said, “To bail or not to bail … ”

  The People in Charge

  The people in charge of the bailout attempts

  Are titans of Wall Street, with fortunes accrued.

  They seem a bit clueless about what to do.

  Remember when they were the guys who seemed shrewd?

  Yes, Washington says, from both sides of the aisle,

  That these are the shoulders upon which to lean.

  But we’d feel more confident if we were sure

  That they knew what “credit default swap” might mean.

  And Congress seemed to any average voter

  Irreparable, much like a seized-up motor.

  One hope persisted once Obama’d won:

  That he would change the way that things were done.

  His victory, some said, could also mean

  The GOP was fading from the scene—

  A party that was clearly in its throes.

  The Sabbath Gasbags on the Sunday shows

  Said at the least from now on we would see

  A dismal decade for the GOP—

  A period filled with sadness and regrets,

  With losses like the early sixties Mets.

  The Gasbags, though, had said the same before—

  To be precise, in 1964.

  They’d said the landslide won by LBJ

  Might cause the GOP to fade away.

  But this was all forgotten by the date

  Of Nixon’s win in 1968.

  The Gasbags have a minor brain affliction:

  They can’t remember any wrong prediction.

  The State of the Union, 2009

  The State of the Union’s the President’s chance to speak, perorate, and evoke.

  For this year’s an honest first sentence would be “The State of the Union is broke.”

  To counter what Obama would orate

  To Congress on the nation’s shaky state,

  The top Republicans chose Bobby Jindal,

  In hopes a rising star like him could kindle

  Some sort of spark conservatives would find

  Inspiring, and not become resigned

  To wandering in the wilderness once more

  While Democratic liberals ran the store.

  But Jindal, thought to be a true past master

  Of speaking, was, in fact, a true disaster.

  This governor’s ideas seemed rather skimpy.

  The governor himself seemed rather wimpy.

  He proved to be an easy man to mock:

  He’s like the dorky page on 30 Rock.

  Bad Opening Night for the G.O.P.

  Yes, poor Bobby Jindal has flubbed his premiere.

  If this is the guy who they think is a star,

  There’s one thing to say, and to say loud and clear:

  Come back, Sarah Palin, wherever you are.

  In stories from the capital we read

  That now the GOP was close to dead

  And Democrats would soon be dancing jigs,

  Their opposition fading out like Whigs.

  2.

  2010

  Recovery moved slowly, step by step—

  Called sluggish, though most slugs have much more pep.

  Obama’s health-care bill was passed—a feat

  Republicans then demonized tout suite,

  Although its main ideas all began

  As part of a Republican-backed plan.

  (The White House seemed afflicted with some shyness

  While letting them brand quite a plus a minus.)

  Some critics said that health care could have waited

  Until our unemployment woes abated.

  Barack Obama’s promised hope and change

  Seemed far away and maybe out of range.

  The Sabbath Gasbags then began to say

  Obama’s mojo may have drained away.

  Pundits Say Washington Must Instill Confidence

  The pundits say Obama must discuss

  Our plight but sound much less like Gloomy Gus:
/>   We need the-only-thing-we-have-to-fear leaders,

  Or, failing that, the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.

  And meanwhile all across this wounded land

  Some angry people said they’d take their stand.

  They said that what the Framers had in mind

  Was not a government that seemed inclined

  To dominate our lives at work and play

  And grow much more intrusive every day.

  They said that those who’d worked, obeyed the rules,

  Were now supporting layabouts and fools.

  These folks were quick to vocally condemn

  All handouts (but the ones that went to them).

  Quite quickly, they were ready to proclaim

  They were a movement, and they took a name

  From Boston patriots who took such glee

  In tossing British tea into the sea.

  Tea Party

  (With particularly abject apologies to the creators of “Matchmaker” from Fiddler on the Roof)

  Tea Party! Tea Party! We’re mad as hell.

  Government’s huge, and growing pell-mell.

  Immigrant numbers continue to swell.

  No wonder we’re all mad as hell.

  Tea Party! Tea Party! We hate those hacks

  Governing now. They love to tax.

  We’re mad as hell and we’ll never relax

  ’Til government gets off our backs.

  We’re sick of supporting those slackers

  Who think everything’s free.

  Though we have billionaire backers,

  We talk just as populist as can be.

  Tea Party! Tea Party! We would dispel

  Notions that we’re too bourgeois to rebel.

  We’ll start electing some new personnel,

  ’Cause, trust us: we’re all mad as hell.

  In midterms what these rebels meant to do

  Was bid their party’s moderates adieu.

  Their candidates in that election season

  Were those who think that compromise is treason.

  Sure, some of them ran weird campaigns wherein

  They showed themselves just too bizarre to win.

  Late Night Comics Bid Farewell to Christine O’Donnell, Tea Party Senatorial Candidate from Delaware

  You surely were a hoot, Christine.

  We’re sad to see you leave the scene.

  We reveled in the revelation

  That you’d condemned all masturbation.

  (Not only us but even anchors

  Enjoyed the way you fought those wankers.)

  Until you came along one day,

  Old witchcraft jokes had been passé.

  Because of you, just for a while,

  Those witchcraft jokes were back in style.

  So though, Christine, we now say ciao,

  We hope you’re back two years from now.

  But many got elected, and were sent

  To Washington, the place they most resent.

  The House, now with a GOP majority,

  Could face Barack Obama with authority.

  The legislative battle recommenced:

  Whatever he was for they were against.

  Their heritage from Reagan now would show:

  Not Ronald—Nancy, preaching “Just say no.”

  On Revelations of Where the Secret Funding for the Tea Party Comes From

  They’re meant to be a grassroots gang

  Of populists who quickly sprang

  From nowhere ’cause they’ve had enough

  Of liberal bureaucratic guff.

  Less government is what they’re for—

  The very goal pushed heretofore

  By every oil man who’s a foe

  Of regs that slow up making dough.

  And guess who’s funding them? No joke:

  Two wealthy oilmen name of Koch,

  With faux foundations in cahoots,

  Provide the funds. Some grass! Some roots!

  The weak economy proved hard to heal.

  At times, the president seemed too genteel—

  Unwilling still to knock some heads the way

  Some heads were knocked around by LBJ.

  His speeches far surpassed the other guys’.

  His gamble caused Bin Laden’s quick demise.

  But still the polls showed many folks believed

  His promises, so far, were unachieved.

  The punditry, its ’08 views forgotten,

  Now said his reelection odds were rotten.

  3.

  Mentionables

  Since order is for them a big concern,

  Republicans will often go in turn.

  Whatever fight is fought, they still incline

  To nominate the guy who’s next in line—

  Like Dole, for instance, or like John McCain,

  Some stalwart who had run before in vain.

  It’s moving up in turn that usually does it.

  In this round, though, whose turn, exactly, was it?

  Was it, perchance, between those who’d begun

  The nomination race McCain had won?

  Of Huckabee and Romney from that tussle,

  The former could command some right-wing muscle.

  But would he run? He’d hinted that he might,

  Then said he had no stomach for the fight.

  (Although the actual stomach he’d once shed

  Was starting once again to get widespread.)

  With books and speeches, plus his Fox News show,

  Mike seemed inclined to make some serious dough.

  Politico Reveals That All Non-Office-Holding Contenders for the Republican Presidential Nomination in 2012 Except Mitt Romney Are on the Fox News Payroll

  Of hopefuls with viewpoints that fit,

  Now Murdoch employs all but Mitt.

  And Tea Party folks can’t go broke,

  Since things do go better with Koch.

  Yes, that’s the crusade that competes

  To rid simple folks of elites.

  Another candidate one might define

  As qualifying as the next in line

  Was Sarah Palin—yes, an ’08 vet

  Who hinted she might throw her hat in yet,

  Although her ’08 run for veep had flopped.

  (A long Hail Mary pass that Palin dropped.)

  Some elements within the party brass

  Were hoping she’d decide to take a pass.

  One hint she might: both Palin and her kin

  Seemed concentrating hard on cashing in

  Through any TV show that they could wangle—

  Kardashians, but with a North Woods angle.

  So even when her act went on the road,

  She wasn’t clearly back in campaign mode.

  The Pundits Analyze Sarah Palin’s Bus Tour

  Now Palin’s seen out on the stump.

  But is she just a female Trump—

  A person eager for each mention

  For purposes of brand extension?

  So—disappointing fans, who’d been devout—

  She seemed inclined to sit this campaign out.

  So whose turn now? Though Romney was on deck,

  Conservatives thought they had better check

  Around for someone less like Mister Cleaver

  And more like them—that is, a true believer.

  Barack Obama’s numbers still were low,

  Which meant that lots of folks might have a go

  At capturing the chance to lead a fight

  That seemed to have sweet victory in sight.

  Pawlenty brought advisers to his state.

  In Mississippi, Barbour lost some weight.

  (Still, relative to others on the list, he

  Remained quite fat, though not as fat as Christie.)

  And Bachmann, still the faithfuls’ faithful fighter,

  Emerged as Palin lite—or even liter.

  And so the mentioners all mentioned thos
e

  Whom President Obama might oppose.

  But two of those who often got a mention

  Said running this time wasn’t their intention.

  Yes, Haley Barbour, and Mitch Daniels, too,

  Announced before they started they were through.

  Mitch Daniels Announces That He Will Not Run for President

  We bid Mitch Daniels fond adieu

  And say, “Mitch, we admire you

  For saying that what you love best

  Is family, and not this quest.”

  Most candidates, without a doubt,

  Seem best to us when they drop out.

  Though thoughts of Bushes didn’t bring a glow,

  Jeb Bush was asked, and he said, “Thank you, no.”

  So, next in line? Well, only Romney, who

  Was unloved by the right-wing tried and true.

  This caused the pundits to restate this view:

  Without a queue, a scramble might ensue.

  4.

  Trump Trumped

  One Donald Trump seeks sustenance in fame—

  Much like a bloated moth that’s drawn to flame.

  Election season! Up pops Donald Trump.

  Gas-filled as if by some gigantic pump,

  He reappears—a loud performance artist

  At boasting he’s the richest and the smartest.

  So rich and smart, quadrennially he’ll drone,

  That he deserves the White House—or a throne.

  Then, once he’s had his say … and say … and say,

  He, blessedly, will finally go away.

  But this time on the tube he seemed to bray

  That he had chips and he had come to play.

  To hear him say he’d wade into the fray

  Made all the party leaders say “Oy vey,”

  Because at one point, several polls agreed,

  Among Republicans he held the lead.

  The ace Trump said had made his winning hand?

  Obama’s birth was in some other land,

  And so he was illegal in his slot,

  Since natural born he certainly was not.

  The Donald said he knew from private eyes

  That Democrats were in for a surprise.