Dogfight Read online

  Donald Trump, Expressing Interest in Running for President Himself, Says He Wants to See President Obama’s Birth Certificate

  All White House hopefuls we forewarn:

  You’ll have to prove that you were born.

  Before Trump hits the state of granite,

  He must identify the planet

  Where he first took on human form—

  A place where blowhards are the norm.

  But then the White House posted on its site

  The document that “birthers” on the right

  Had said did not exist. And so the proof

  That Trump had promised vanished with a poof!

  He blathered on, to keep the spotlight’s glare.

  The talk about him switched then to his hair.

  New York Insiders Offer Another Interpretation of How Committed Trump Was to a Presidential Campaign

  The real estate sharks say that Trump would have left

  Once serious financial disclosure awaited,

  Because that disclosure would prove to the world

  His boasts of his riches are greatly inflated.

  But Donald Trump had led, and that revealed

  A lot about the stature of the field.

  Though first-tier candidates were mostly out,

  Republicans were asking, “What about

  The second tier, or what about the third?

  Has nothing from those other tiers been heard?

  As chances in the fall improve a lot,

  Could this bunch really be the best we’ve got?”

  Discussions of the race were not who’d win it

  But who else might agree to getting in it.

  Late Night Comics Respond to Trump’s Exit

  They’ve snatched the note from Donald’s one-note tune.

  Our pet buffoon has left the room so soon!

  To make our jokes at night we always gotta

  Find someone who can serve as our piñata.

  That won’t be hard to find in this campaign.

  Right now we’ve got our eyes on Herman Cain.

  5.

  First One Out

  A budget that Paul Ryan thought astute

  Was praised by other candidates. But Newt

  Not only failed to join in all the cheering

  But called it right-wing social engineering.

  Instead of going to county fairs to schmooze,

  The Gingriches enjoyed a Grecian cruise.

  At Tiffany’s, we learned, Newt had in force

  A credit line whose size could choke a horse.

  Newt’s staff all quit. They said he was a pain.

  But Newt himself announced he would remain.

  Reporters, who’d thought he’d be first to leave,

  Were wondering what Newt had up his sleeve.

  Among the candidates, the first “I’m out”

  Was heard from Tim Pawlenty, who, no doubt,

  Was seen by pundits some weeks in advance

  As having more than just a passing chance

  To win a straw poll that is held in Ames—

  The winner of which generally claims

  To be the candidate who’s first to show

  He could be in possession of Big Mo.

  The Ames Straw Poll

  Although the poll is hardly scientific,

  Results are studied like a hieroglyphic.

  They’re analyzed at length for what they show,

  As if they were the entrails of a crow.

  Pawlenty, as a man from one state north,

  Had pinned his hopes on being thus thrust forth.

  It’s true he’d shown some weakness in debate,

  But Iowa, some thought, could be Tim’s state.

  Right-wing, and evangelical to boot,

  He had a quality that seemed to suit

  The Hawkeye voters: When he’s at his best,

  Pawlenty’s manner clearly shouts, “Midwest!”

  And as for right-wing dogma, he could sell it

  Without impressing voters as a zealot.

  There were, in fact, among the cognoscenti

  Some folks who’d placed their bets on Tim Pawlenty.

  They thought that Tim might be the man to beat

  Mitt Romney (who at Ames did not compete).

  Tim’s hopes for being lead beast in the herd

  Were dashed in Ames: Pawlenty came in third—

  Far back in third. It wasn’t even close.

  So, quickly, Tim Pawlenty said adios.

  Too quickly, several pundits would propound.

  Pawlenty, they advised, should stick around.

  But Tim Pawlenty wasn’t looking back.

  So thus ordained as leader of the pack

  Was Congresswoman Bachmann, who’d gained ground

  All summer, ’til in August she was crowned

  The straw poll winner, meaning, so to speak,

  She got discussed as flavor of the week.

  And nationally she started to emerge

  While overtaking Romney in a surge.

  No longer was it fair to introduce

  Michele as “Sarah Palin minus moose.”

  Michele: A Serenade by Iowa Social Conservatives

  (With apologies to the Beatles)

  Michele, our belle,

  Thinks that gays will all be sent to hell.

  That’s Michele.

  Michele, our belle,

  Thinks they’re sick but could be made all well.

  Yes, Michele.

  She just needs to turn them toward Jesus.

  They’re going through a phase

  That leads to filthy ways.

  But with her hubby’s help these guys could

  All be John Wayne.

  Michele, our belle,

  Views you have are suiting us just swell.

  Our Michele.

  6.

  A Brief Reign on Top

  The next “I’m out” upset Michele’s domain:

  Ed Rollins, who had managed her campaign,

  Announced that he would leave—a key defection.

  Her quest since Ames had somehow lost direction.

  The scrutiny front-runners always get

  Exposed some things the Bachmanns might regret.

  Their clinic was a source of great debate,

  Since it seemed keen on turning gay men straight.

  Unintended Consequences for Marcus Bachmann

  The Bachmanns’ belief that gay men should be straight

  Caused all sorts of jokes, innuendo and such.

  The bloggers and late-night comedians pounced:

  They said maybe Marcus protested too much.

  Some rumors that were passed around in stealth

  Implied Michele was not in perfect health.

  As indicated by the groans and laughs,

  Ms. Bachmann could be counted on for gaffes.

  Before she ran, she’d casually been able

  To shade or to exaggerate on cable.

  Now, things she said—some wrong, some just inscrutable—

  Were not, in this campaign, considered suitable:

  The history was flawed, the science too.

  (She said, although it’s not remotely true,

  That shots now given girls across the nation

  Have been the cause of mental retardation.)

  When northeast states were walloped by Irene,

  She said God’s wrath had surely set that scene.

  So Why Be So Hard on Vermont?

  Michele Bachmann says Hurricane Irene was God’s warning to curb excessive government spending.

  —News reports

  We know that this God’s an all-powerful God;

  God’s actions are not nonchalant.

  We know he can punish whomever he wants.

  So why be so hard on Vermont?

  Yes, spending increases our deficit—sure.

  Vermont, though, has not been avant

  The rest o
f the country. We all spend a lot.

  So why be so hard on Vermont?

  Its mountains? Its hipsters? Its accent? Or what

  Might tick off the Great Commandant?

  We know we’re all sinners; we spend and we spend.

  So why be so hard on Vermont?

  So by September, Bachmann, back to punt,

  Was someone who had briefly been in front

  But who, it was increasingly quite clear,

  Would from now on be stalled more toward the rear.

  Michele: A Reprise

  Michele, our belle,

  Things of late have truly failed to jell

  For Michele.

  Michele, our belle,

  They’re no longer buying what you sell.

  Poor Michele.

  Your numbers have gone in the toilet.

  They say you peaked too soon.

  And talking like a loon

  Could not have helped a lot, although Rick

  Perry does, too.

  Michele, our belle,

  Pundits now are bidding you farewell—

  “’Bye, Michele.”

  The new front-runner wasn’t Romney, though.

  From Texas now a mighty wind did blow.

  Its smile was broad, its hair just short of stunning:

  Rick Perry, who had hit the pavement running.

  Enter Rick Perry

  With even more impressive hair than Kerry,

  At last into the race arrives Rick Perry.

  Though Perry’s blessed, no doubt, with splendid hair, he

  Believes some things that strike some folks as scary.

  Observers down in Texas still are wary.

  The space beneath the hair, they say, is airy.

  7.

  Oops Indeed

  A great campaign for Perry was projected.

  In every race he’d run he’d been elected.

  He did that Texas swagger to perfection,

  And he was known to have a close connection

  To lots of Texas money that would make

  Financing his campaign a piece of cake.

  And under Perry, Texas added gobs

  Of what this race was most about—that’s jobs.

  He needed no instruction and no training

  To seem at home at door-to-door campaigning.

  In Iowa, he played the good ol’ boy.

  Compared to Mitt, he seemed the real McCoy—

  A man who schmoozed and didn’t seem contrived,

  As if from many focus groups derived.

  Conservatives considered Perry pure,

  And he became the favorite du jour.

  So What’s with the Cowboy Boots, Rick?

  You say you’re the real thing from Texas—

  An Aggie, not someone from Yale.

  While claiming to be a straight shooter,

  You plant a boot high on a bale.

  ’Twas cotton that grew on your farm, Rick.

  You didn’t grow up on the range.

  No horses are used to plant cotton,

  So cowboy boots seem mighty strange.

  No phony? Then alter your costume.

  Although they lack cowboy boots’ zing,

  If you have a sodbuster background,

  Bib overalls might be the thing.

  As nationally Rick’s polling numbers soared,

  The analysts who crunched the numbers scored

  Him well ahead; some said he couldn’t lose.

  They thought once more Republicans might choose

  A Texas governor at their convention,

  Though Bush’s name was one they’d never mention.

  But Perry’s chances started going south

  When Perry started opening his mouth.

  Debates and interviews just did him in,

  For they revealed his grasp of facts was thin.

  He wasn’t really strong on world affairs.

  He didn’t seem to have a lot upstairs.

  Of justices his knowledge wasn’t great:

  He somehow thought that there were only eight.

  He thought the voting age was twenty-one.

  By then, the press and bloggers had begun

  To look for Perry gaffes on which to jump,

  And that put Perry’s numbers in a slump.

  For donors, it could be a strong deflater

  To watch their man Rick Perry as debater.

  Rick Perry Compares Himself to Denver Broncos Quarterback Tim Tebow

  When Perry discusses debates now,

  He’s calling himself in these rumbles

  An Iowa caucuses Tebow—

  Except for how often he fumbles.

  The biggest gaffe had happened in November,

  When Perry, in debate, could not remember

  The third of three departments he would toss

  Into the scrap heap once he was the boss.

  Then he said “Oops.” With that word it was clear

  The White House was a place he’d not get near;

  All three departments’ workers could relax,

  For he’d become the butt of comics’ cracks.

  He held out for a while—two months at most—

  But from that moment Rick’s campaign was toast.

  And that left true believers with a plight:

  For their crusade they didn’t have a knight.

  Still Looking

  The far right looked for someone who’d befit

  The ticket—that is, someone not named Mitt

  But someone who could strongly lead the nation

  Without the faintest whiff of moderation.

  Chris Christie was a man they couldn’t get,

  And Bachmann was the quickest flopper yet.

  It looked like Perry was the right’s white hope,

  But now they’re saying Perry’s just a dope.

  So who will they convince now to get in?

  The time is short. Their bench is looking thin.

  8.

  The Search for a Mitt-Whomper

  The first chance voters had to have their say

  In caucuses was some two months away.

  Though actual voters still had not been faced,

  Some serious threats to Mitt had been erased.

  Two candidates whom pundits might construe

  As hurdles Romney had to jump were through.

  A third campaigner who had seemed a threat,

  Jon Huntsman, hadn’t really caught on yet.

  One problem that Jon Huntsman had to face:

  He wasn’t welcomed warmly by the base.

  The people who thought compromise was treason

  Suspected he was vulnerable to reason.

  His politics and theirs were much the same,

  But something troubled them about his name.

  Not Huntsman, but the part just past the comma:

  “Ambassador to China for Obama.”

  Credentials as a true Obama hater

  Could not be issued; Huntsman was a traitor.

  So he was not the man the right would bless

  As champion to stop the Mitt Express.

  The weakest candidates were those now left,

  And right-wing true believers were bereft.

  The Far Right Considers the Republican Front-runner

  It seems that now we’re stuck with Mitt.

  Reciting right-wing holy writ,

  He still sounds moderate, a bit.

  Although it’s nothing he’ll admit,

  A health-care plan’s his biggest hit.

  (The thought of that gives us a fit.)

  And born-agains, from where they sit,

  Still state their firm belief, to wit:

  As Christians, Mormons aren’t legit.

  We’ve said for months, “This man’s not it.”

  We wish that Palin hadn’t split.

  We wish that Perry weren’t a nit.

  (His pilot light is not quite lit.)
/>   Because, it seems, we’re stuck with Mitt.

  But then, although no voting had occurred,

  The order of the also-rans was stirred.

  Some entertaining answers in debate

  Had led Republicans to contemplate

  That Herman Cain was someone they should rate

  As now, perhaps, a serious candidate.

  His goals before seemed simply to be these:

  To have some fun and boost his speaking fees.

  Like others, he said taxes should be flat,

  But Cain’s entire platform seemed just that.

  He said we could relax. We’d all be fine

  If we could just remember Nine Nine Nine.

  An Inaugural Address for Herman Cain

  In April, we’ll all be relaxed—

  All spending dough that wasn’t taxed,

  With Nine Nine Nine.

  To working folks we’ll bring enjoyment,

  ’Cause we’ll have nearly full employment,

  With Nine Nine Nine.

  Our air will be pristine and clear,

  And terrorists will disappear,

  With Nine Nine Nine.

  And scientists will find the answer

  That gives the world a cure for cancer,

  With Nine Nine Nine.

  We’ll all achieve what we endeavor,

  And all of us will live forever,

  With Nine Nine Nine.

  A country that now seems depressed and limp’ll

  Be great again if we just keep things simple.

  Although his patter in debates could tickle,

  Cain’s pool of knowledge seemed less pool than trickle.

  Some questions seemed to cause his speech to vanish,

  As if the questioner had asked in Spanish.

  (On Libya, his silence caused a buzz:

  One couldn’t tell if he knew what it was.)

  His ignorance, which was at times sublime,

  Made Perry look like Kennan in his prime.

  He never had held office in the past.