Dogfight Read online

  On economic issues Mitt had led;

  The polls now showed Obama was ahead.

  Responding to some embassy attacks,

  Mitt fumbled both his timing and the facts.

  What made Mitt’s odd response so consequential

  Was this: It simply wasn’t presidential.

  It led Barack Obama to proclaim

  Mitt liked to fire first and then take aim.

  Some asked which campaign hand had made the slip

  That let Mitt shoot this wild shot from the hip.

  From his own party, critics had begun

  To question how the Mitt campaign was run.

  One thought few party loyalists disputed:

  The Mitt campaign just had to be rebooted.

  A Rallying Cry from the Romney Camp

  Amid Discord, Romney Seeks to Sharpen Message on His Agenda

  —New York Times headline

  We’ve got to go now hell for leather.

  We’ve got to get our act together,

  ’Cause even right-wing pundits say

  That this campaign’s in disarray.

  We must confess it’s such a mess

  We find it difficult to press

  Our message that this country needs

  A man who’s proven by his deeds

  That he can turn a firm around,

  That he is someone who’s renowned

  For skills in management writ large.

  But wait: That’s who we’ve got in charge.

  The next misstep the party would bemoan

  Was made by Mitt entirely on his own.

  While on the coast of Florida in May,

  Behind closed doors he’d managed to convey

  A stark contempt, as if he were Ayn Rand,

  For nearly half the people in the land.

  They paid no income tax, he said, and should

  Be written off as wed to victimhood.

  He’d not engage, he said, in the futility

  Of urging them to take responsibility

  For their own lives, because they’d never do it.

  It would be wasted effort to pursue it.

  A camera was there, behind some fern.

  (One wonders: Will these people never learn?)

  The tape was aired. A firestorm began,

  Diverting Mitt from his rebooting plan.

  And even party loyalists were shaken:

  Some thought they might as well have run Todd Akin.

  The press said this was truly Mitt, denuded.

  The group he’d cruelly written off included

  Some people whose support he most desired—

  Say, wounded vets and old folks who’d retired.

  And some, with payroll tax they do submit,

  Were paying at a higher rate than Mitt.

  I’ve Got the Mitt Thinks I’m a Moocher, a Taker Not a Maker, Blues

  (Sung by three members of the 47 percent)

  Well, I work two jobs and that makes for a kinda long day.

  And the boss deducts the payroll tax that I’ve gotta pay.

  With sales tax, too, I kinda thought I was paying my dues.

  I’ve got the Mitt thinks I’m a moocher, a taker not a maker, blues.

  Well, the wife and I took retirement some years ago.

  And social security accounts for most of our dough.

  Though we contributed to that so we’d have it there to use.

  I’ve got the Mitt thinks I’m a moocher, a taker not a maker, blues.

  Well I went to ’Nam while Mitt went on his mission to France.

  A buddy needed rescuin’ and I thought, “Well, I’ll take a chance.”

  A wounded-vet pension’s not the salary that I would choose.

  I’ve got the Mitt thinks I’m a moocher, a taker not a maker, blues.

  (All, in chorus)

  Yes, he thinks we’re bums, and work is something we would refuse.

  Entitlements, he says, are what we just live to abuse.

  With his fat cat friends what he says about us is j’accuse.

  So some of us moochers would sure like to see him lose.

  We’ve got the Mitt thinks that we’re moochers, takers and not makers, blues.

  It was, some said, the worst campaign week ever—

  And one that could torpedo Mitt’s endeavor.

  The problem that the swing-state polls defined:

  The race was close, but Romney was behind;

  While Romney’s share of swing-state polls was sinking,

  The “undecided” slice of polls was shrinking.

  Some party chiefs were daunted by Mitt’s lag.

  They’d once thought that they had this in the bag.

  Some right-wing commentators were aghast.

  They said that something had to change—and fast.

  29.

  Falling Back

  Amidst all this, Mitt Romney could at least

  Refer to turmoil in the Middle East

  As one example illustrating how

  Stability and long-term peace is now

  In that sad region further out of reach

  Than when Obama gave his Cairo speech.

  Mitt said we’d been too quick to spare the rod

  In Syria, when dealing with Assad,

  And hadn’t made it clear how we will ban

  The bomb from all those mad dogs in Iran.

  Romney Outsources His Foreign Policy to the Neoconservatives

  After 9/11, the neocons captured one Republican president who was naïve about the world. Now … they have captured another would-be Republican president and vice president, both jejune about the world.

  —Maureen Dowd, The New York Times

  Advisers to Mitt from the neocon right

  Believe that America must show its might.

  Though draft dodgers all, they’re in favor of force—

  With other folks’ kids on the front lines, of course.

  Through Romney’s campaign, they have all slithered back—

  The people who brought you the war in Iraq.

  Obama’s weak, Mitt tried hard to contend—

  Although considering Osama’s end,

  That notion wasn’t such an easy sell.

  And some thought it would not help Mitt to dwell

  On matters like what touched off Mideast mobs

  Instead of concentrating hard on jobs.

  He’d started out by saying that’s what mattered,

  But now the shots from Mitt’s campaign seemed scattered.

  Barack’s convention bounce did not recede,

  And gradually he opened up a lead.

  Mitt’s team was braced for what the polls were bringing:

  That states that swung were now no longer swinging.

  Yes, in Ohio, many polls would find

  That Mitt was ten percentage points behind.

  Ohio

  (A reprise sung by Republicans)

  Why, oh why, oh why-oh?

  Why are we losing in Ohio?

  Why is this our fate in our golden-ring state?

  This simply doesn’t compute.

  What a lame campaigner!

  Given his gaffes, Mitt should stay mute.

  Oh why, oh why-oh, should we lose Ohio?

  How could we ever have chosen this guy-oh?

  Maybe we should have picked Newt.

  When analysts then analyzed the polling,

  Some said the bell for Mitt’s campaign was tolling.

  Some right-wing bloggers said that they would guess

  That pollsters are as biased as the press.

  The Romney campaign spokesmen said, “Just wait:

  Our man will crush him in the first debate.”

  The pundits said, whenever they’d expound,

  Mitt still had time to turn this thing around.

  But, given early voting, they would note,

  Some states had folks now lining up to vote.

  30.
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  First Debate

  From pols and pundits, therefore, what we heard

  Was that the first debate, October third,

  Was something close to Romney’s do or die.

  Advice to him was not in short supply.

  Aggressiveness is good, said some, although

  Not so aggressive that you fail to show

  You’re likable. (Well, sort of—more or less.)

  Remember that when starting to aggress.

  Specifics, some said, were what Romney needs—

  Though those could get him lost among the weeds.

  So no specifics? Or should Romney fling

  Some zingers, or embrace the vision thing?

  Newt Gingrich, who, to judge by his career,

  Might counsel Mitt to bite Obama’s ear,

  Was much less snarky, offering advice

  That humor often proves a great device—

  Though laughs from Mitt would be an aberration

  As likely as some aural mastication.

  Newt Gingrich’s Deepest Feelings About Mitt Romney’s Upcoming Debate with Barack Obama

  (Sung standing alone on center stage, illuminated by a single spot, during a guest appearance by the Speaker on Glee)

  Our candidate must—and right here is the key—

  Express big ideas, as big as the sea.

  He must fill our base with tremendous esprit.

  With supersized schemes, he must show just how he

  Will see that free enterprise always stays free.

  He must be heroic, like some Maccabee.

  The bottom line, friends, is so simple to see.

  It should have been me! Oh yes, don’t you agree?

  It should have been me! Yes, it. Should. Have. Been. Me!

  In all, this first debate was heavy going.

  Statistics fail to get the juices flowing.

  It got so thick, so lacking in one-liners,

  Some people fell asleep in their recliners.

  Of those awake when all was said and done,

  Most had this thought: The challenger had won.

  Mitt’s answers, whether factual or not,

  Were clear and crisp, and all those answers got

  Delivered with a quite commanding style.

  The President seemed listless all the while—

  Less certain of the points that he would share

  And wishing he were anyplace but there.

  So Democrats looked on with some dismay.

  “The President,” some said, “is MIA.”

  No traps were sprung; no knockout blows were struck.

  But Mitt’s campaign at last had got unstuck.

  In spin-room chats, his men were all aglow.

  Barack, they said, no longer had Big Mo.

  The press found this a scrumptious dish to swallow.

  It meant there was a horse race still to follow.

  So in the dozen days folks had to wait

  To watch once more those two men in debate

  They tuned to cable, hearing pundits speak

  On why Barack Obama’d been so weak,

  And why the man had even failed to mention

  The Mitt remarks that riled up such contention:

  That video, sent Democrats from heaven,

  In which Mitt says exactly forty-seven

  Percent of us play victims, with the goal

  Of living lives as moochers on the dole—

  A speech for weeks Mitt would not disavow.

  “Completely wrong” is what he called it now.

  Mitt Doesn’t Think That Nearly Half the People in This Country Are Moochers After All

  After weeks of acknowledging only that his 47-percent remarks were “not elegantly stated,” Mitt Romney now says that they were “just completely wrong.”

  —News reports

  He was, he says, completely wrong;

  To care for everyone is vital.

  He’s singing now a different song,

  And “Etch A Sketch” is that song’s title.

  With Mitt called winner of the first debate

  Republicans began to celebrate.

  Another job report was then released.

  That grim percentage had at last decreased,

  Though not at an accelerated rate.

  The figure now, at last, was under eight.

  “Conspiracy!” the right-wing bloggers cried:

  The numbers had been cooked, or maybe fried,

  To serve some liberal reelection goals—

  Exactly what they’d said about the polls.

  But soon they had no reason to complain.

  The President, reporting made it plain,

  Had lost his lead. The latest polls had shown it.

  In just one night, some said, Obama’d blown it.

  31.

  Obama Redux

  A message by the voters had been sent:

  They found Mitt credible as president.

  And now some Democrats began to panic.

  Was that debate, they asked, Barack’s Titanic?

  In this great orator, whom they’d revered,

  Had every ounce of mojo disappeared?

  And could, by chance, Republicans be right

  That he’d become just too used up to fight?

  The Democrats now found themselves conceding

  Obama’s standing in the polls was bleeding.

  As Biden’s night approached, they hoped that Joe

  Could staunch that, or at least could slow the flow.

  It’s possible that Biden got that done.

  Though pollsters disagreed on just who won,

  The veep at least had focused some attention

  On facts his boss had somehow failed to mention—

  Like how Mitt’s scorn for poorer people soars

  When he and fat cats talk behind closed doors.

  This veep debate became a little snarky,

  With Biden calling Ryan claims malarkey.

  They clashed on numbers and they clashed on facts.

  They clashed on who should pay how much in tax.

  A Simple Guide to Every Single Republican Tax Proposal Ever Made

  (As verified by 178 independent studies)

  Sure, sometimes they call it supply-side,

  And sometimes they say job creation

  Is risked if our entrepreneurs

  Think profits get snatched by taxation.

  It comes to the same simple credo

  Around which the party has danced:

  If rich people pay less in taxes,

  Then everyone’s life is enhanced.

  Joe Biden from the start had come out slugging.

  Though Ryan’s team said what came out was mugging.

  Joe’s smile, Dems said, would not have been so visible

  If things that Ryan said had been less risible.

  This tussle was, no matter how it went,

  Just warm-up for the next week’s main event.

  The Democrats, with fears he might lose twice,

  Bombarded B. Obama with advice.

  It turned out that they had no need to worry,

  Obama took command, and in a hurry.

  He didn’t seem the same guy as before.

  He won, said pollsters who were keeping score.

  Though neither toward the other was benign,

  Mitt seemed at times the one who crossed the line:

  Toward both the moderator and his foe

  He acted like a bossy CEO.

  And also, said the tweets and posts and e-mails,

  With his remarks he’d lost some ground with females.

  He said he’d asked (not true, as it transpired)

  For names of able women to be hired

  When he became the boss in Boston, Mass.—

  To crack the ceiling that they faced of glass.

  Thus “binders full of women” was a phrase

  That banged around the Internet for days.


  The ref was Candy Crowley for this brawl,

  The head butts and the gouges hers to call.

  Benghazi’s muddled tale, Mitt had a hunch,

  Was where he’d likely land a roundhouse punch.

  It seemed to be a weakness to exploit,

  But Mitt at trying that proved maladroit.

  Romney Attacks Obama on His First Response to the Benghazi Killings

  (Or, We Never Promised You a Rose Garden)

  Mitt thought O’s response had not talked about terror.

  Of that he was certain, but he was in error.

  A warning was sent, but one Mitt failed to heed:

  Obama, politely, had said “Please, proceed.”

  ’Twas Crowley who told Mitt, and left him dejected—

  A pushy A-student by teacher corrected.

  He’d laid out a trap, and then Snap! The next minute

  The Mittster himself was the one who’d stepped in it.

  The Fox News types said everyone’s aware

  That Candy Crowley was, of course, unfair.

  In their religion one can seem quite pious

  By blaming everything on liberal bias.

  32.

  The Stretch

  Within a day, the pollsters would announce

  Obama’s win did not give him a bounce.

  So, at a rate that liberals found quite frightening,

  The margins in the swing states kept on tightening.

  The message that the pollsters now were sending:

  Obama led, but Romney was ascending.

  At last Mitt had the traction he had sought.

  His guys were energized, and they all thought

  That in the foreign policy debate

  Mitt Romney’s job was just to demonstrate

  He was a calm and level-headed guy

  Who valued peace, and wasn’t going to try

  To solve our foreign issues with more war—

  No matter what he’d said a month before.

  So, quickly, with astonishing velocity,

  He scrubbed away all signs of bellicosity.

  The policies he’d hastened to malign