Dogfight Read online

  Rick Perry was the first to brand Bain’s culture

  With what was quite a scary label: “vulture.”

  In Carolina, not to be outdone,

  Newt Gingrich then had grabbed that ball and run.

  With money from his Vegas sugar daddy,

  He ran some ads that showed Mitt as a baddie

  Who piled on riches sitting in his suite

  While putting honest workers on the street.

  So now the Democrats began to skewer

  Mitt Romney as a business evildoer.

  Their strategy seemed simple on its face.

  As governor the man was no disgrace,

  But what’s he mostly praised for in his state?

  A health plan he professes now to hate.

  And so his great accomplishment was one

  On which he wouldn’t be allowed to run.

  His business record, then, was all he had;

  It’s what was meant to be his launching pad.

  Success in business had to be his claim.

  And if that claim takes on a hint of shame—

  If, when employment figures still are lagging,

  He could not point to Bain to back his bragging—

  He’s just a guy, no matter what his spiel,

  Who salvaged one Olympics—no big deal.

  The Bain of Mitt Romney’s Existence

  He’s running on all of his triumphs at Bain,

  But some say the Democrats ought to refrain

  From saying Bain’s gain was at times inhumane

  (Because of its strategy aiming to drain

  A company’s treasure, no matter what pain

  Is caused to the workers whom it won’t retain).

  Yes, Bain did some good, its defenders explain:

  Some pension funds shared in its capital gain.

  So vulture’s a label for Mitt they disdain—

  Though buzzard’s okay, and is just as germane.

  Some Democrats found such attacks unfair,

  But others pointed out that Bain was where

  Mitt Romney said that, gathering those stocks, he

  Got skills in leadership and plain old moxie—

  The very skills, he says, Obama lacks.

  So Bain’s fair game, they said, for such attacks:

  Since Bain is central to the claims Mitt’s made,

  We need to know just how that game was played.

  21.

  The White House Prepares

  Obama’s team, preparing for the pending

  Election, knew some fences needed mending

  With groups whose backing had become lukewarm,

  Because Obama’s promise of reform

  That he as President would carry through

  Had ended up too far back in the queue.

  The Dream Act hadn’t passed, despite orations.

  So he came close by changing regulations

  To say a person (often a Latino)

  Brought here illegally as a bambino,

  Could go about his business and not fret

  (As long as some conditions had been met)

  About the chance that he could soon be thrown

  From here into a land he’d never known.

  Thus fences with Latinos were repaired,

  And, since they thought of Mitt as gringo squared,

  They could present the Democratic slate

  With bigger Spanish margins than ’08.

  And here is what Obama had to say

  That brought a cheer from people who are gay

  (Although he didn’t say it when he’d planned,

  ’Cause Biden, he of loose lips, tipped his hand):

  On marriage vows, he now felt ecumenical—

  So even those whose sex is quite identical

  Should be allowed their separate lives to blend

  And live those lives together to the end.

  Before, he’d called his thoughts on this “evolving.”

  His statement, then, went quite a way toward solving

  The beef of those who thought he’d moved too slowly.

  Though those who think such unions are unholy

  Were mad, the issue has no longer got

  A button on it that remains red-hot.

  (Opponents are much older, meaning, verily,

  This issue will be settled actuarially.)

  Obama on Immigration and Gay Marriage

  He led among them going in,

  And this, the White House thought, would lock it.

  Announcements that Obama made

  Put gay Latinos in his pocket.

  The Dems were busy shoring up support

  From women (moms and any other sort)—

  Reminding them the GOP had made

  A promise to repeal Roe versus Wade.

  They also built the teams that had displayed

  In ’08 how a ground game should be played.

  The teams were not the same from sea to sea.

  Electoral College voting being key,

  A voter’s vote would hardly mean a thing

  Except in states referred to now as swing.

  The citizens of swing states would decide

  Because of where they happen to reside.

  In states where red- or blueness is conceded,

  Your vote for president’s not really needed.

  The total vote the winner can ignore.

  The total doesn’t help. Just ask Al Gore.

  Ohio

  (A 2012 version of the Wonderful Town classic)

  With the rest of the states either solidly red or solidly blue, the election will be decided in nine or ten swing states.

  —News reports

  Why oh why oh why oh?

  Why did I ever leave Ohio?

  Why did I locate where, since it’s no swing state,

  Pollsters don’t trouble to track?

  Zero is my vote’s weight.

  Reason to vote? That’s what I lack.

  Oh why oh why oh

  Did I leave Ohio?

  Maybe I better go O-H-I-O,

  Where I could have my vote back.

  22.

  The Race Shapes Up

  Though housing showed some slight signs of recovering,

  The unemployment numbers still were hovering

  Above a pretty dismal eight percent—

  A figure causing widespread discontent.

  Unless the ranks of jobless started thinning,

  The President could hardly count on winning.

  Obama, it was said, should just accept

  The fact his policies had proved inept.

  And he could only answer in reverse:

  Without my actions, this would be much worse.

  A Rejected Campaign Slogan

  With confidence low and firms still not hiring,

  “It could have been worse” is not too inspiring.

  He now faced Mitt, and one opponent more:

  The promise he’d portrayed four years before,

  When his campaign had promised change and hope.

  By now, Obama’d given up that trope.

  Mitt Romney did have troubles of his own.

  Withholding his returns became a bone

  That newshounds chewed away on any day

  There didn’t seem to be much else to say.

  They theorized on what he had to hide,

  They wrote about reluctance to abide

  By rules obeyed by everyone below

  His customary rank of CEO.

  Mitt Romney’s Tax Returns

  Demands come from left and from right.

  Mitt Romney, though, says he’ll sit tight.

  We’ve given you people enough,

  Says Ann, sounding suddenly tough.

  Conspiracy theories abound.

  Mitt’s critics relentlessly pound.

  Why go through this sort of ordeal?

  What doesn’t Mitt want to reveal?

  Some
shelters far off from our shore?

  Well, sure, but there has to be more.

  And, really, we already know

  His tax rate is terribly low.

  Could some corporate losses have meant

  That one year he paid not a cent?

  What’s in there to make voters squeal?

  What doesn’t Mitt want to reveal?

  What deed was so sleazy that he’ll

  So desperately try to conceal

  Exposure with such stubborn zeal?

  What fiddling did Romney feel

  Showed even a wealthy big wheel

  Who feels some gray areas’ appeal

  Is slippery, just like an eel?

  What doesn’t Mitt want to reveal?

  In polls, the man the voters thought most fit

  To manage the economy was Mitt;

  In business Mitt had proven his agility.

  He finished, though, way back in likability.

  (Although, despite Obama’s mass appeal, he

  Could hardly be described as touchy-feely,

  Most folks would to the pollsters volunteer,

  “Sure, he’s a guy with whom I’d have a beer.”)

  What voters saw in Romney was, all told,

  That at his warmest he was rather cold.

  They couldn’t really feel enthusiastic

  About a man who might be made of plastic.

  Obama, also guarded as a rule,

  Did not strike folks as cold; he just seemed cool.

  The Likability Factor

  The polls agree: President Barack Obama is likable. The question is whether he’s likable enough to get re-elected.

  —Politico

  It’s said, as a rule, the most likable guy

  Is likely the guy who’ll pull through.

  And given the candidates now set to try,

  The Democrats hope that is true.

  Though voters, polls show, think Obama is cool

  And Romney is colder than ice,

  More likable’s not an infallible tool.

  Remember: Dick Nixon won twice.

  23.

  A June Surprise

  Quite late in June, the nation’s highest court

  Was, in its final session, to report

  Its finding on Obama’s health-care act.

  The betting odds against the act were stacked:

  When looking at the Roberts court, one saw

  The sway of ideology, not law.

  Though Kennedy would now and then demur,

  Four right-wing justices were always sure

  The right-wing course was what the Framers meant.

  The liberals—four—were usually in dissent.

  Not many thought the justices would say

  The act was constitutionally okay.

  Force purchasing by mandate! Five would glower,

  And then agree no Congress has that power.

  We Hate It ’Cause It’s His: A Republican Sea Chantey

  [The individual mandate had] been at the heart of Republican health-care reforms for two decades. The mandate made its political début in a 1989 Heritage Foundation brief titled “Assuring Affordable Health Care for All Americans,” as a counterpoint to the single-payer system and the employer mandate, which were favored in Democratic circles … . The mandate made its first legislative appearance in 1993, in the Health Equity and Access Reform Today Act—the Republicans’ alternative to President Clinton’s health-reform bill.

  —Ezra Klein, The New Yorker

  Oh, why do we so loathe this thing?

  We used to love it so.

  We used to say “For health reform

  This is the way to go.”

  We said it was free enterprise

  (And we explained just how).

  If this was our idea back then,

  How could we hate it now?

  We hate it ’cause it’s his, lads. We hate it ’cause it’s his.

  We hate it ’cause it’s his, lads. That’s what our hatred is.

  You needn’t be a whiz, lads, to ace this simple quiz.

  We hate it ’cause it’s his, lads. We hate it ’cause it’s his.

  Surprise! John Roberts left his usual cluster.

  He ruled the health law’s mandate did pass muster.

  Comparing health plans, it was now less credible

  To say Mitt’s mandate’s fine since it’s not federal

  But this Obama plan, we know quite well,

  Is sure to put us on the path to Hell.

  From what some analysts could ascertain,

  John Roberts made the issue less germane.

  But it remained a dragon to be slain;

  The act had not been demonized in vain:

  The right thought Roberts’ ruling on the case

  Might be a way to energize the base.

  A Sea Chantey Reprise

  If Mitt’s plan was the model here,

  What caused this great upheaval?

  If Mitt’s makes sense, then why is this

  Such socialistic evil?

  If this approach once seemed so good

  That all of us were for it,

  Just why is it so wicked now

  That all of us abhor it?

  We hate it ’cause it’s his, lads. We hate it ’cause it’s his.

  We hate it ’cause it’s his, lads. That’s what our hatred is.

  You needn’t be a whiz, lads, to ace this simple quiz.

  We hate it ’cause it’s his, lads. We hate it ’cause it’s his.

  A lull for the Olympics coincided

  With what developed into a misguided

  And goofy journey that Mitt took abroad,

  Where by his gaffes the foreigners were awed.

  Mitt Visits Foreign Lands

  (And not to hide money)

  The Mittster, while taking a three-nation swing

  Showed talent for saying the very wrong thing.

  He teed off our English friends lickety-split;

  The tabloids in London Town called him a twit.

  Though Mitt said his motives were never ulterior,

  He seemed to be calling the Arabs inferior.

  In English and Arabic venom Mitt bathed.

  ’Twas only in Poland he came out unscathed.

  His trip, meant to show foreign policy cred,

  Because of Mitt’s gaffes was a model instead

  Of what not to say when abroad one doth roam.

  So here’s the consensus: He should have stayed home.

  Though pollsters said we always should remember

  How much could change before we reach November,

  The polls rained down, just like a summer shower,

  With some poll every hour on the hour.

  In almost any survey that you’d check,

  Barack and Mitt were running neck and neck.

  On cable, every well-connected speaker

  Assured us that this race would be a squeaker.

  In August, though, by pundits we were told

  Mitt’s team might have to make some move that’s bold

  If this prize was at last to go to Mitt.

  The race required shaking up a bit.

  24.

  Shaken Up

  Before “presumptive” stuck to Romney’s name,

  The press already played a little game

  Of speculating just what Mitt might do

  In choosing who would be his number two.

  One measure of the candidates he’d bested:

  Just one of them was seriously suggested.

  Yes, Tim Pawlenty, who had been the guy

  McCain had also thought that he might try

  As veep before, with yardage to amass,

  He switched and called that long Hail Mary pass.

  The candidates who’d been in real contention

  With Romney for the win received no mention.

  Considering Mitt Romney’s gringohood,

  So
me thought the veep position surely would

  Be offered this time to a person who

  Was plainly of a somewhat darker hue.

  (They feared one day the Grand Old Party might

  Just disappear if it stayed lily-white.)

  There were some candidates like that available—

  Non-WASP, attractive, and to voters salable.

  Marc Rubio, a rising star, was floated,

  And so was Nikki Haley, who’d promoted

  Mitt Romney very early in her state.

  And Condi Rice was mentioned for the slate.

  Poor Bobby Jindal hoped that the pervading

  Impression of that dorky speech was fading.

  Cuisine Diversity

  If Rubio, Jindal, or Haley or Rice

  Got put on the ticket by Romney as vice,

  Republicans possibly then could entice

  Some voters who like to eat food that has spice

  And not stick with voters who think that a slice

  Of white bread’s the food that will always suffice.

  But most thought Mitt, once having heard this chatter,

  Would add a slice of white bread to his platter.

  Rob Portman, of Ohio, pundits guessed,

  Would likely be the grail of Romney’s quest.

  A senator once head of OMB,

  He boasted a magnificent CV.

  His name for veep had also been revealed

  Before McCain unleashed that bomb downfield.

  Ohio was a swing state that just might,

  Republicans had hoped, swing toward the right.

  Ohio mattered, no two ways about it;

  Republicans had never won without it.

  The campaign press corps would, of course, persist

  In adding politicians to the list.

  McDonnell of Virginia was discussed.

  Support of Christie had become robust.

  And if a woman veep might have a shot,

  There was some talk of Senator Ayotte.

  But Portman was the favorite going in,

  Though some thought Tim Pawlenty just might win.

  Then, suddenly, we heard that Mitt was veering